I want the masculine consolation of a
man, when it comes time for life changing decisions.
Not the controlling condescending indignation of an
empty heart who promises—nothing.
I miss what I never had, I miss my Dad. The fondest
memories, I was glad, I had, were far and few—
only two.
Some lost soul-playing god, thought he was
through, also killed more than he knew!
On the shore, my heart was strewn with every ebb
and flow—torn and unborn, nubile, infant in mourn.
I loved you so as a child … wondering … . day
dreaming about you, as I rode my bike, free as the wind
blew through me, inhaled a certainty of your absence.
Why did you have to go? You must know how much I
tried, and even lied, to myself, dismissed your presence
and walked in the shadows of my visceral ineptness. I
needed you then and I need you still.Looking back it doesn’t matter you were tattered, a
shattered life, shunned and scattered—it’s empty fodder,
you are still my father.
A half of my being has been denied, so many lies,
no truth, in lust or unjust, filled eyes. I cried, almost
died—inside, imbued in hues of blues never having
said … Goodbye!